Not many people can say that they haven't had much sorrow in their life. I've had a pretty happy life that didn't contain much sorrow. I've been lucky I suppose. Or God just protected me from so much! There has been maybe three times I've been in such agony that I didn't think I would ever see laughter again. One was before I was saved and even then God held me through it. The second has been ongoing but God has given me hope and comfort. Those past two seem like nothing anymore. God has made me really strong through them. I can see how he has made me tough. It taught me to trust him and pray for his will to be done.
But right now, I have never felt such pain. It almost passes out growing up being misunderstood by my family. It passes out the screaming fights between the people I love. I knew God was in control in those situations. Soon after the hurtful part of it, I saw how he used it for my good. They say is gets better with time but each day feels worse in this new situation. I'm so frustrated with confusion and not knowing what happened. It is seriously the hardest thing for me to not understand. I like understanding and I like answers but I'm simply not gonna get them this time and that hurts. This is definitely the most I've ever needed to cling to Jesus.
I am comforted by the fact that I am definitely God's daughter because if I was not I would have fallen away due to this pain. Clinging to Jesus when all I want to do is run is the best comfort I know. Even when I want to run He reminds me that there is absolutely nothing greater than being in his arms. God has not left me alone in this. I can't see what he is doing but he IS keeping me from falling away. Now I see what he means when he says he will keep me to the end.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. Psalm 139:7-10
He is the only one who can satisfy in such pain. The pain may not, necessarily, go away but the comfort of being in Christ transcends all understanding. So I don't have answers; I may never get them but I have joy because I am the daughter of a King that loves so unfathomably. He has brought nothing but good things from the few painful situations I've been through and he has taught me that the joy I have comes from him. So either way, in pain or happiness, I rejoice in an unchanging, wonderful, loving, gracious, merciful and good God.
and just because I found this verse both (kinda) funny and comforting....
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost
We're resting in the
Shadow of the cross
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