What do you get when you mix a perfectionist with a people pleaser with a person whose love language is words of affirmation? You get Caroline Renee McNamara!
I like to do everything to the best of my ability. The epitome of joy is when I can plan ahead, organize, coordinate and edit. I like trying new things but I expect to be perfect at it instantly. I like to achieve and I like the results fast. I don't like to be seen failing. I want others to like what I'm doing and I love when they genuinely express their approval. I am a perfectionist that wants people to see my perfection and also "genuinely" approve that I am indeed doing perfectly. This can be quite the exhausting combination and so poisonous to my soul.
*Well that's embarrassing*
I don't know if there is anything wrong with doing things perfectly by your own standard but when it becomes an idol and requirement to function "properly" it becomes a problem. When perfection is a requirement it becomes sin because while on this earth perfection is not attainable. It is chasing after a false God. No matter what area of life you are talking about, perfection is not an option. When I am relying on the approval of me or my performance from others I am putting my value and self worth in the wrong place. Any value I have is in Christ because I was made in
his image.
Therefore, my standard is Christ. The standard I give myself or the standard I think others give me is not a standard I should be holding up as valuable. The standard God gave me is what I long for most; The perfect unattainable standard of Christ. But I can't live up to my own standard let alone Christ's! Praise God that he sent his perfect holy son to make a way for me!! Hallelujah!!
Lately, I have been noticing how these personality traits perform in my everyday life. I had this incredible opportunity at my fingertips but my desire to do the job perfectly and please this person had them searching for someone more confident to fulfill the role. Disappointing? Yes! But God is showing me these traits for a reason. Knowing that I cannot achieve my own standard has me on my knees asking God to rid me of my fear of failure. I know that he's the only way and there's nowhere else I can run that will set me free from the lies I tell myself. The time I spend in prayer about this is actually building up a confidence I never had. In prayer, God is showing me how these traits can become idols and he is giving me the grace to overcome them. It started when he opened my eyes and now he is doing a beautiful work of redemption.
So now what? Do I quit being a perfectionist altogether? Is there a good balance between not caring at all and caring too much? I'm sure there is! When I find it, I'll let you know. Until then I will continue to lean on the Lord as he shows me more truth and trust that his handiwork, though painful at times, is a beautiful redemption story.
*P.S.
As I had Bethel proofread this I was thinking, "Does she like it? Does she like it? Does she like it?" haha
It is a battle every day.
