One Month Post China

I can't believe I have been home for over a month.  I never thought it would take me this long to share with you about what the Lord did while in China but here we are.  I think part of the reason why I haven't written yet is that I don't even know where to begin.  Even as I write this I don't know where I'm going but trusting the Lord is going to speak through me.

God is definitely present in China.  I have witnessed him doing a work in the most beautiful and mysterious ways.  I was able to witness a little girl receiving pictures of her adoptive family and hearing the name they plan to call her for the very first time.  Probably the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!  She took the photo album in her hands and held it so close to her face.  Her face radiated with joy, excitement, and immediate love for her mommy, daddy and siblings.  The bond to make them one family had already begun.  The Lord has called her into this family and is completing that promise. I got to see the character of God as he prepared the way for her to go home.

God is loving, gracious, merciful, kind, and good.  His will is perfect and he is faithful to complete it for is glory and to make his name known.  I saw the love of Christ as I witnessed this little girl opening the gift from her forever family.  As I write this post, her family is in China finalizing the adoption.  She gets to go home very soon.  Pray for her as her final moments in China comes to an end and a new life awaits her in America; praise God for his work of redemption.  Pray that through this she might know the Lord as her personal Lord and Savior.
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One of many takeaways from the trip was the blunt reminder that God is good and faithful to his children.  He is sovereign and worthy of all praise.  To God be the glory! 

Below is a link to watch the short clip of this little girl answering the question "What is your name?"

http://youtu.be/mqNpNINIcIo

I hope to write more about China but I definitely had to get at least one post up.

Coming Soon!

-Being a Christian in China

-A Wedding Story- Bethel Style

China Update - 7 1/2 weeks away - almost fully funded

God continues to amaze me with the way he is unfolding my life and the things he is having me do for his glory.  My trip to China is approaching fast and I am nearly fully funded.  God has blessed me with numerous anonymous donations and I am so excited to use them to serve in China and to make his name known.  Continue to pray for my trip.  Pray that I have the opportunity to share the gospel because I cannot share unless someone asks me questions.  Pray that my actions reflect God and his glory.  Pray for the people to have softened hearts ready to hear and accept the Lord.  Most of all, pray that God uses this trip in the exact way he intends to.  To God be the glory! Amen.

Check out the support tab to see the thermometer of my progress.  God is great in how he provides!  

Life Is But A Vapor

I could have gone home to Jesus on Sunday.  No warnings or signs.  A typical drive home from church, screaming "Behold Our God", turned into an accident that totaled my car.  Out of nowhere the car in front of me came to a complete stop and it didn't matter that I kept three car links of space between us.  At 55mph I crashed into him.  In .2 seconds I slammed on my breaks knowing that I was gonna hit him; the shiny gold car turned white and I could see nothing; the white airbags receded to my lap and an awful stench of smoke filled my lungs; I threw my car in park and panicked. I thought my car was going to blow up so I whipped off my seat belt and scurried to the door that was fixed to my side.  The fact that the door wouldn't open wasn't an option.  I needed out!! Immediately! I managed to squeeze out and walk across the road with my head feeling the size of a pumpkin.  I was thankful that I was small enough to fit through the tiny opening my door managed to give me.  A sweet woman got out to help me as soon as I got out of my car.  After the initial shock I was able to joke and say, "At least I still have my teeth."  The people that gathered to comfort me laughed and though it took the edge off I stare at my car in the middle of the road completely blown away by the fact that I wasn't stuck in there with no help.  In an instant I could've been standing before Christ giving an account for my life.  

You are not guaranteed tomorrow.  Are you ready to face Jesus and give an account for your life?  If you said yes you may struggle with self righteousness.  If you said no you may be doubting God's willingness to save.  The truth is you can't be ready.  If you could be there would be no reason for a savior.  This has reminded me of that incredible grace and astounding love that I have been so abundantly blessed to receive when Christ adopted me and made me heir to his kingdom.  It was nothing I did nor anything I could do but Christ has shown such love I simply do not have enough adjectives to supply.  
  

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. Proverbs 27:1

Too often we take our days lightly; our sin lightly. We think, "Oh, I'll give up this addiction tomorrow," or "I'll just enjoy this sin and then repent because God has to forgive."   It is so humbling thinking about this.  I can only stand before God and be welcomed into his kingdom because of his amazing grace.  It is Only By Grace that I am saved and through Christ I have this glorious inheritance.  (See what I did there? haha) 

Putting aside the fact that I can't be ready to give an account for my life; I still desire to live my life in a way that glorifies God.  I desire to use this life he has given me to serve him, honor him, and share him.  Anything else you live for has no eternal value.  My joy stems from the precious gift I was given when Christ died on that cross and knowing I did nothing to deserve it; I stand amazed.  

This experience humbled me.  Life is but a vapor and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  I desire so greatly that my life would be spent glorifying God and reflecting what he did both in my life and on that cross.  I am completely humbled this week by God's ultimate power and his abundant grace.  To God be the glory in all things.

 I am in awe of the work God is doing in me. 2014 has been extremely hard but probably the most beautiful year of all!

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14

Bethel Ann and Timmy Shoot

Bethel and Timmy were brave enough to allow me to practice my photography skills (or lack of) on them.  They were a lot of fun to shoot and completely adorable. I only hope that I captured the moment well.

I love these guys so much! I'd like to say more about them but I am a woman of few words so I will be saving all of them for a certain speech that may or may not be in my future.

Virtuous Woman

Bethel is one of the most beautiful, courageous, wise, inspiring and encouraging young women I have met.  She has taught me so much by her words and, also, by her actions.  I was remembering just how special she is to me today as I took these photos of her.

I can see how God perfectly and beautifully crafted our friendship for his glory.  He placed us together as friends, sisters, accountability partners and fellow heirs to a glorious inheritance.

I am so incredibly grateful for her in my life.  She has been there with me to encourage, council and simply have fun with me.  She is a treasure too precious to put a price on.  I love her with all my heart and I am so happy to call her my sister.  

A Deadly Combination - Personal Post

What do you get when you mix a perfectionist with a people pleaser with a person whose love language is words of affirmation?  You get Caroline Renee McNamara!

I like to do everything to the best of my ability.  The epitome of joy is when I can plan ahead, organize, coordinate and edit.  I like trying new things but I expect to be perfect at it instantly.  I like to achieve and I like the results fast.  I don't like to be seen failing.  I want others to like what I'm doing and I love when they genuinely express their approval.  I am a perfectionist that wants people to see my perfection and also "genuinely" approve that I am indeed doing perfectly.  This can be quite the exhausting combination and so poisonous to my soul.

*Well that's embarrassing*

I don't know if there is anything wrong with doing things perfectly by your own standard but when it becomes an idol and requirement to function "properly" it becomes a problem.  When perfection is a requirement it becomes sin because while on this earth perfection is not attainable.  It is chasing after a false God. No matter what area of life you are talking about, perfection is not an option.  When I am relying on the approval of me or my performance from others I am putting my value and self worth in the wrong place.  Any value I have is in Christ because I was made in his image.

Therefore, my standard is Christ.  The standard I give myself or the standard I think others give me is not a standard I should be holding up as valuable.  The standard God gave me is what I long for most; The perfect unattainable standard of Christ.  But I can't live up to my own standard let alone Christ's!  Praise God that he sent his perfect holy son to make a way for me!! Hallelujah!!

Lately, I have been noticing how these personality traits perform in my everyday life.  I had this incredible opportunity at my fingertips but my desire to do the job perfectly and please this person had them searching for someone more confident to fulfill the role.  Disappointing? Yes!  But God is showing me these traits for a reason.  Knowing that I cannot achieve my own standard has me on my knees asking God to rid me of my fear of failure.  I know that he's the only way and there's nowhere else I can run that will set me free from the lies I tell myself.  The time I spend in prayer about this is actually building up a confidence I never had.  In prayer, God is showing me how these traits can become idols and he is giving me the grace to overcome them.  It started when he opened my eyes and now he is doing a beautiful work of redemption.

So now what?  Do I quit being a perfectionist altogether?  Is there a good balance between not caring at all and caring too much?  I'm sure there is! When I find it, I'll let you know.  Until then I will continue to lean on the Lord as he shows me more truth and trust that his handiwork, though painful at times, is a beautiful redemption story.


*P.S.
As I had Bethel proofread this I was thinking, "Does she like it? Does she like it? Does she like it?" haha
It is a battle every day.

Cry Out To God In Faith

I want to type out an excerpt from the book Redemption by Mike Wilkerson.  I read it once approximately two years ago but I picked it up again and have been encouraged by the number of things I have missed the first time.  It has been a source of incredible encouragement and I pray it encourages you as well.

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Cry Out To God In Faith

Crying out in faith means brutal honesty with God about your suffering while still trusting him.  Moses gives us a hint of this in his prayer, but Jesus' cry from the cross was filled with far greater pain_ and far more faith: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Matt. 27:46).  Jesus' expression of anguish was raw, honest, and fitting with his fatal circumstances.  Yet, at first glance, it may not sound like a faith-filled cry at all...... In his cry, Jesus quoted Psalm 22.  Yet he wasn't merely quoting it; he was living it.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.  Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.  In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them.  To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.  (Ps22:1-5)

There are feelings of abandonment and groans, and day after day of restless crying out.  But it doesn't stop with brutal honesty; it moves on to proclaim who God is, who the psalmist needs God to be in the moment.  He is holy and enthroned.  He is trustworthy, and those who trust him_even in dire circumstances_ are rescued!  To live this psalm as Jesus did is to cry out the heart's anguish to God and to cling to his promise of rescue.

Jesus cried in desolation as he endured the very cup of God's wrath that he'd prayed in the garden of Gethsemane might pass from him (Luke 22:42).  The fact that he found himself in the very worst imaginable circumstance_ one that he'd prayed to avoid!_ still did not deter his faith.  It's scandalous to think that Jesus continued trusting the God who had permitted such suffering despite Jesus' prayers.

In fact, the religious leaders who stood back from the cross were so scandalized by it that they mocked Jesus for his faith: "He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him." (Matt 27:43)  They sneered, because like you and me, they measured the trustworthiness of God by present circumstances. The reasoning goes something like this: If God is trustworthy, and Jesus trusts him, then he wouldn't be hanging on the cross so shamefully; so it must be either that God is not trustworthy or that Jesus lacks faith.  And those tend to be the very conclusions we draw for ourselves.  

We, like broken-spirit Israelites, find it nearly impossible to keep trusting God as circumstances worsen.   ("This does not fit my picture of redemption!")  We are tempted to believe that God has forsaken us and that all hope is lost.  Or some naive Christian tells us that if we merely had more faith_ if we just learned whatever lesson we're supposed to be learning_ the pain would stop.  

But Jesus experienced worse pain than you or I will ever know.  We may fear the worst_abandonment by God_ but he actually faced it.  And he didn't stop believing.  

Did Jesus' cry of faith fix his circumstance? No.  He spoke these despairing words in the face of death _ and then he died.  How could he cling to the hope of rescue when his death was imminent?  Jesus knew the rest of the psalms as well, including Psalm 16:10, which says, "For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption," a promise of resurrection.  Yes, he would die; but he would also be raised to new life.  (emphasis added)

Because Jesus faced the worst in faith, you and I will never have to.  We can cling to these same promises.  We can face seeming (or certain!) death: emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, knowing we will not be put to shame.  One way or another, God will deliver.

Like Jesus, our hope in God must extend beyond the desire for relief from the present suffering to a deeper, ultimate relief.  While it is not wrong to ask God to change our circumstances, our hope must remain in him whether he changes them or not.  As we cry out to him, he becomes a refuge to us, a hiding place for safety and comfort.  On this side of heaven,  we will not experience ultimate comfort and refuge; there will still be pain and danger.  Yet while we continue to hope in his promises for ultimate refuge, we can know him as a true refuge now.  Even if we should die suffering, clinging to this hope as Jesus did, we can be sure of the same resurrection.

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Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us

Very Quick China Update

I am no longer going to Guizhou, China for October 16-26.

Full Speed Ahead - China

China is so amazing.  From its culture, language, architecture, and people to its diverse landscapes, animals and history; China has peeked my curiosity since 8th grade World Cultures with Mrs. White.  I remember learning about the Great Wall and desiring to, one day, set foot on it even though I realized that would probably never happen. Though I may not get to set foot on the Great Wall, I am going to China in October 2014.

In about six months I will be serving in an orphanage in Guizhou, China.  I will get to pray over and love on less than 100 special needs children.  I am so excited to pray over these children because some may never get prayed over by name. I'll know their stories.  I'll bond with them.  Most importantly, I'll show the love of Christ to them.

I'm looking forward to sharing more information with you leading up to the trip, during the trip, and the stories after the trip.  I just ask for prayer to prepare me emotionally and spiritually for this trip.  Prayer is the best support you can give me.  Also, trust that God will provide according to his will. God placed China in my heart in 8th grade, orphans in my heart at age 18 and now he is combining the two for His glory! Amen


Wǒ qù zhōngguó - I'm going to China
Wǒ tài jīdòngle - I'm so excited

True Story From Ethiopia

An entry directly from my journal while staying in Ethiopia!

July 30, 2012

We travelled to the slums today.  Playing with the kids was fun.  Some of the girls were obsessed with my hair.  They tugged so hard, yet it made me so incredibly happy.  I fell in love with this one little girl.  I held her and tickled her.  Her smile was killer.  She had long lashes and "rosy" cheeks.  When she smiled and laughed my heart could stop beating.  Then we were leaving for a little while to do home visits (At the time I didn't know we were going back after the home visits) and every time I would put her down to leave she would want to be picked up again.  It broke my heart.  I thought I would never get the chance to hold her again.  Finally, I set her down and kissed her forehead.  Then she pulled on my arm and I bent down to hug her.  She kissed my cheek then held my hand as I headed out the door. One of the workers pulled her away so that I could leave.  I didn't want to though.  

The first home we visited was an old woman with leprosy and four other people in this tiny home.  Then we went to a home of a man with leprosy and nine children.  The last home we went to was a woman with six kids.  These people are living in the slums but they were confessing their faith with such confidence.  It was amazing and humbling.  Despite their conditions the people trust in Jesus.  When we prayed for them, they insisted that they pray for us.  They showed me so much of Christ.  I have never seen Christ like this before.  It was so beautiful.

After home visits we went back to play with the kids.  I was looking for my little girl but couldn't find her when all of a sudden she comes out of the building and spots me.  Her face brightens up and she runs to me with that killer smile.  I pick her up and tickle her.  She giggles that unforgettable giggle.  Then I sat with her on the wall that was against the building.  She would look up at me with that huge smile and big, teary eyes.  Between the smile and the tears I could not contain my emotions.  Broken, yet again!  She put her head on my chest and just rested there for a good thirty minutes.  I miss her so much!  I so badly want to hold her again.

When Words Aren't Enough

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9

Not many people can say that they haven't had much sorrow in their life.  I've had a pretty happy life that didn't contain much sorrow.  I've been lucky I suppose.  Or God just protected me from so much! There has been maybe three times I've been in such agony that I didn't think I would ever see laughter again.  One was before I was saved and even then God held me through it.  The second has been ongoing but God has given me hope and comfort.  Those past two seem like nothing anymore.  God has made me really strong through them.  I can see how he has made me tough.  It taught me to trust him and pray for his will to be done.

 But right now, I have never felt such pain.  It almost passes out growing up being misunderstood by my family.  It passes out the screaming fights between the people I love.  I knew God was in control in those situations.  Soon after the hurtful part of it,  I saw how he used it for my good.  They say is gets better with time but each day feels worse in this new situation.  I'm so frustrated with confusion and not knowing what happened.  It is seriously the hardest thing for me to not understand.  I like understanding and I like answers but I'm simply not gonna get them this time and that hurts. This is definitely the most I've ever needed to cling to Jesus.

 I am comforted by the fact that I am definitely God's daughter because if I was not I would have fallen away due to this pain.  Clinging to Jesus when all I want to do is run is the best comfort I know.  Even when I want to run He reminds me that there is absolutely nothing greater than being in his arms.  God has not left me alone in this.  I can't see what he is doing but he IS keeping me from falling away.  Now I see what he means when he says he will keep me to the end.  

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.  Psalm 139:7-10

He is the only one who can satisfy in such pain.  The pain may not, necessarily, go away but the comfort of being in Christ transcends all understanding.  So I don't have answers; I may never get them but I have joy because I am the daughter of a King that loves so unfathomably.  He has brought nothing but good things from the few painful situations I've been through and he has taught me that the joy I have comes from him.  So either way, in pain or happiness, I rejoice in an unchanging, wonderful, loving, gracious, merciful and good God.

and just because I found this verse both (kinda) funny and comforting....

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost
We're resting in the
Shadow of the cross

The Provider, Not The Provided

You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.   Psalms 4:7

Sometimes it is difficult to see God's goodness in the midst of trials but the truth is, trials are his goodness.  Trials hold purpose.  They aren't a form of torture but of love.  Trials refine and purify us.  They test our faith.  They point us back to Christ and reveal his glory and power reminding us that God is the source of true and lasting satisfaction.  

But..  While on this earth our faith wavers causing us to search for satisfaction apart from Christ.  Sin tempts us with having the newest iPod, wearing Louis Vuitton or finding it necessary to explore every end of the earth.

As I was struggling today I turned to the Psalms to read a few of David's prayers.  The above verse really stood out to me.  It shows that God is more valuable than the abundance of grain and wine.  Picture the joy the God's people had when they realized they'd have enough to eat until the next harvesting season. What if the harvest time yielded no grain?  Where, then, was their joy?  The point is that when we put our faith in things or circumstances and forget where true and satisfying joy is, we are left empty.  We are left with doubt, insecurity and disappointment.   When we put stock in this one thing and it fails there is nothing left to hold on to.  But when we hope in Christ and lose the thing we were counting on we still have everything!!  Then, when his answer is yes we rejoice in him, the provider, not the provided!!!

My eyes are seeing all the things God is blessing me with lately.  I see each thing as a gift from him allowing me to be able to bring each gift he gives me right back to him in worship!  He is showing me that his gifts are a reflection of his goodness and something he gives out of his overwhelming love for me.  I am learning to respond to him with joy rather than being joyful in the gift itself.  

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath His covenant and blood
Support me in the ‘whelming flood:
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid rock I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,
O may I then in him be found.
Clothed in his righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before his throne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVnt7kJ6NE4

Walls Keep Out Hurt and Hope

With Christmas just here (a time for family) a dark cloud hovered over me and darkened my spirit.  Some families do not spend Christmas together whether it's because they live somewhere far away or you don't get a long.  It felt so unnatural.  Why was my Christmas like this?  I was down in the dumps for a while until I realized God wanted me to be transparent with my best friend. (He did, after all, give me one for a reason).

I laid it all bare to her.  Every anger, doubt and insecurity.  Was it my fault?  She shared tears with me and spoke truth into my bones.  She said something about her own situation that I never thought of before.  "God hated the situation but it was necessary."  I didn't realize he hated it.  He felt my pain. He shared my tears.  He held on to me when my grip was wearing thin.

Though I don't have the answers to why my particular story has this chapter, God revealed so much to me.  He wants us to be transparent!  It is so incredibly important to seek counsel and wisdom from your brothers and sisters in Christ.  We are called to encourage and bear each others burdens.  So do not build up walls!  Let someone in.  This wall you build may help you avoid hurt but it is also keeping out any sense of hope.  The thicker I made my wall the darker my world became.  I was searching for satisfaction in this world because I would not let the love of Christ in.

Galatians 6:2

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ

Here's the catch.  In order to lay yourself bare you must first build relationships with people in your church body.  Scary for you introverted people, I know!  You probably built walls because you're introverted.  If the thought of you approaching someone is too scary begin to pray that God would give you a friendship that honors him.  I say that to avoid the thought of you guys finding friends only to vent all your problems to. It's so much more than that!  (I may have a new post idea, huh?)  Anyway!  If you do have a close friend that God has blessed you with do not be afraid to be transparent with them.  Don't leave it to them to break down your wall!  They may not realize there is a wall to be broken.  Do them a favor by beginning the demolition yourself.  Let them see that there is, indeed, something that needs uncovering.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved

I can't explain to you what a blessing it was to share that I was struggling.  The comfort that flooded my body afterwards was as if God was saying, "Was that so bad?"  As every insecurity, doubt, and anger came rolling off my tongue both Bethel and God were sharing the weight that had been dragging me down.  These moments of tears were followed but intense joy and satisfaction in Christ.  The situation did not change when I shared it but my hope did!  God was my hope.  He was present and he comforted me.  He gave me joy (yes, joy) in such a wild time.  The joy I have in Christ transcends every doubt, insecurity and question I have in this life.  Praise God for his goodness!!! Amen!!

Mathew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”